Nellie Says What?!

GETTING RID OF THE NEGATIVE VOICE.

Yah, I’ve been contemplating this blog for almost a year now. It’s been 11 months to the date. You may ask, “What’s taken so long?!” It’s just me…talking to myself…repeating the same old broken record in my mind. Over. And over. And over. “What am I gonna say that has any value?!”

Or, “I can’t write.”

Or, “I haven’t experienced anything worth sharing.”

Or, “My opinion is wrong.”

Or, “I’m not smart enough.”

I only remember the negative talk.

I realize I have received complements on my hair, and my clothing, and my smile. I have even been told I am kind and thoughtful. And I have received these as recently as the past seven days! But do you think I recall these? Oh, no. I remember the single slight made a year ago by someone I don’t even LIKE. I can dwell on the silliest of back-handed complements for days. (This one, “There’s a benefit to putting on weight. The wrinkles just seem to disappear, don’t they?” held me captive for a week while I tried to figure out why in the world someone would say that.)

Negativity has taken up residence in my amygdala. As she kicks off her muddy shoes, sloppily drops her filthy clothes in the middle of the room, and flops down on my pillow, her odor chokes me.

“I. Can’t. Breathe.”

I realize she has taken up so much space in my mind with her heavy bulk, that she has pushed every shred of creativity into the corners. I have excuse after excuse. Here. Check this out. Sound familiar?

I can no longer go without writing; I need to tell stories. (“But I can’t write!”) I can no longer go without painting; I need to translate the beautiful things I have seen onto a canvas. (“My paintings are so amateurish!”)

Have you ever felt that way? I’m pretty sure I’m not the only women who has felt this. So why do we do that? Are we really that hard on ourselves?!

It’s easier to believe the negative.

Kathleen Toohill attributes this focus on the negative rather than the positive to evolution. I can see me, Cavewoman, caught up in avoiding threats each day. (If I avoid a threat, I get to wake up the next morning and do it again!) Ms. Toohill breaks it down: “…when our stress and worry is completely hypothetical and not based on any real or current situation…” it becomes harder for us to make new positive memories.

I need to evict Miss Nellie Negative -- toss her to the curb! New, positive memories are like fresh air, sunshine, and caffeine! I need them to LIVE!

How to get rid of the negative voice in my head.

I’m squaring off with her, that Negative Nellie. I am facing her head on. I look her in the eye and ask her, “What are you really telling me?” But this time, I take what that voice in my head is saying and I turn it into a “you” statement; just as if I was telling it to someone else. “I am dumb,” becomes “You are dumb.”

For goodness sake, I would never say that to anyone! Why would that be okay to tell myself?!

Next, I have to ask myself, “Where does this voice come from?” Thinking back, I recall being told I was dumb many times as a child by someone very close to me. And I heard this a lot: “Girls are better at reading and writing than at math. So you’re not smart at math, who cares?”

Well no wonder I don’t perceive myself as remotely intelligent.

Grrr. I’m getting more upset. This Nellie is no friend of mine.

It’s time to set Nellie straight and respond to her. “Nellie, for real. I am very smart. In fact, SUPER smart. I am an accomplished learner and an intelligent citizen.”

Oh my. From this perspective, I can’t believe how this negative voice has influenced my behavior. As you can see from above, she has frightened me to the point that I have delayed the beginning of my blog. She has me so scared that I am certain I will fail at writing…painting…teaching…creating. Surely if I embark on a new creative task and fail, I will die! I will die as if a dinosaur has chased me down, scooped me up, and devoured me like a fast-food French fry.

Time to change the limiting behaviors.

On paper, changing my behaviors seems easy to do. I will use the “you” statements but focus on the positive. For example, “Kristen, you write very well. The reason for this is because you choose to be vulnerable and put your truth out there in an intelligent manner. Nellie doesn’t live here anymore.”

And frankly, I’m going to be a much better friend to myself than Nellie ever was.