These Aren't Walls

I was recently talking with a friend. I shared with her in reflecting on my past, “What? Did I have a sign on my forehead that said that I would accept being treated like s*&*?” (And as I type this, the only image I can conjure in my mind is like the scene in the movie “Carrie” --except I am Carrie, and instead of blood, it is garbage pouring down on my head, while everyone at the dance is laughing at me.)

I’ve always thought of boundaries in a negative light. If I say, “No” to a request, it means I don’t respect the person who was asking me to do something for them. If I walk away from a friend who continually offers the intimate details of her challenges and difficulties, I am not a good friend because I didn’t help her “fix it”. What kind of person draws lines in their personal relationships?! I was not going to be that kind of person, or that kind of friend.

Amid all the Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearing news stories, and the triggers that lead to the recollection of my own trampled personal boundaries, I needed a boundary reset. I needed to re-examine them, gauge where I am on the “personal boundary continuum’ (my words), how to reset mine, and a plan to embrace them for what they do for me.

You can find a hundred definitions of personal boundaries. This one makes the most sense to me, “A boundary is a limit you can set on what you will accept of another person’s words or actions.” Let me add, this isn’t about controlling another person’s behavior, but about YOUR happiness.

I should explain that a bit and it may sound like the old chicken and the egg story. Healthy boundaries create happiness and happiness creates health boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries, you know, as in valuing your own opinion, or knowing and sharing personal needs, makes you happy! Being happy gives you the confidence in your own identity to be able to set boundaries and uphold them. Round and round with the common thread of happiness in boundaries.

There are some common traits in three types of boundaries which may allow you to evaluate your relationships. For example, you may establish Rigid Boundaries where you may avoid intimacy and close relationships totally. Or you may have Porous Boundaries where you may be over-involved in others’ problems.

In my past, let’s say “Pre-rape”, I depended upon what others thought of me and seemed almost afraid my friends and acquaintances would reject me if I didn’t agree with them. As if I needed them to help create my identity. It appears I maintained Porous Boundaries.

“Post-rape” (after being drugged and sexually assaulted by someone I considered my friend), I shut myself off from the world. I questioned my ability to determine what a friend was and decided I needed to go through this horrible and painful experience by myself to avoid another rejection by a friend. Talk about Rigid Boundaries. I got Rigid Boundaries that are walls…12-foot tall walls…one-foot thick stone…electrified…20 foot mote…alligators.

Now, ten years later, I’m ready to work on my relationships and tear down the walls. I admit, I’m still a work in progress on the boundary front. Some of the boundaries in my family are more porous in nature. And since I substitute teach and am an intern, I float in and out of these places without many close relationships, and my boundaries more rigid in nature. But most people have a similar mix in boundaries for work, family, and relationships.

So how do you know if you have healthy boundaries? Are any of these traits YOU?

• Values your own opinion

• Doesn’t compromise values for others

• Shares personal information in appropriate way (doesn’t over- or under-share)

• Knows personal wants and needs, and can communicate them

• Accepts when others say “no” to them

I know I’m on the right track to healthy boundaries. I don’t put up with much from others any longer in the form of mistreatment and disrespect. I don’t need opinions of others to guide my life. I walk away from others who try to commandeer my time and use my talents for their own gain. If it doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it. And if I figure it out after I started it, I complete my commitment and I “roll on Tumbleweed”.

The walls I had been erecting were to block out others. But they mostly shut out light onto myself.

I choose to live my life this way to protect myself from accepting behavior from others that is harmful to me. I, myself, am worth protecting.